After multiple years of working with men in the dating space, I’ve come to realize one thing: dating is inherently harder for men. And it’s becoming increasingly more difficult.
I often hear men sharing their frustrations about navigating online dating sites, the pressure to initiate all interactions and the constant rejection that follows. All leading to feelings of hopelessness about their dating prospects. But the biggest complaint I hear has everything to do with communication.
Here’s why you might be feeling that same confusion.
Simply put, men and women have different communication skills, especially around emotions. While these are generalizations and not all men and women communicate in the same way, research suggests there are common patterns in how men and women communicate.
For example:
Verbal vs. nonverbal communication: Men tend to rely more on verbal communication, while women often use both verbal and nonverbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions, to convey their message.
Direct vs. indirect communication: Men often communicate directly and in a straightforward manner, while women may use more indirect language and hints to express themselves.
Information vs. Connection: Men often use communication to convey information or to solve problems, whereas women often use communication to establish connections and build relations.
Dominance vs. Equality: Men may use communication to establish dominance or power in a conversation while women seek more equal and collaborative relationships.
Side by side vs. eye contact: Men can talk more easily to women when they are situated shoulders shoulder whereas women talk more easily when they are making eye contact.
Listening styles: Men often use communication to assert their opinions and ideas, while women may be more inclined to listen actively and provide emotional support.
So you can see there are a number of ways for communication to feel ineffective.
These often unacknowledged differences make connecting and communicating with women more challenging for men today.
And when you are trying to do this by text or via a dating app, it becomes even worse. Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what someone else means.
It is also true that men’s emotional processing capacity is often much slower than women’s. This isn’t a bad thing, it just means that since men want to keep up, they often stress and worry about what to say or simply shut down when a clear thought doesn’t come to them.
Since men are socialized to speak in direct ways with each other, when they encounter a more nuanced and tonal conversation it can throw them for a loop.
Have you ever felt stressed about what to say to a woman or what text to send her?
My guess is your answer is yes. And if that’s the case, read on as I’m going to share a few ways you can build your confidence around communicating with women.
Opt for more open-ended questions for deeper understanding. Since women communicate to connect, focus on asking questions to learn and understand her. Open-ended questions move you away from small talk and invite and encourage deeper conversation.
Practice understanding and picking up nonverbal cues. Since our body language is used to communicate our feelings and intentions, when you are able to pick up these non-verbal signs, you’re able to understand and interpret any unspoken issues and feelings.
Never assume you know what somebody is thinking. While reading body language is important and gives us cues into what someone may be thinking or feeling, you never want to assume you know. So learn to check in and ask if what you’re noticing or picking up on is in fact the truth. For example, I noticed you’re a little quieter today, is everything okay?
Become better at active listening. Active listening is more than simply being quiet while someone else is talking. It means you’re paying attention, acknowledging the message that is being shared, and clarifying along the way.
Learn to be more specific and clear. Nobody likes guessing what someone needs or wants. So stick to phrases and words that are easy for people to understand. For example, if you want to ask her out, do just that. Don’t inquire about her schedule or weekend plans, or try to hint at asking her out. Being direct and clear.
Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men, and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast where she talks candidly about life, dating and relationships. She supports men to find and keep healthy, loving relationships. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill for daily inspiration, or to learn more information and book a complimentary dating strategy call click here.
For some people, dating seems to be easy. Everything falls into place, they have great dates, and within weeks, they find someone they fall madly in love with. They move in, get married and have two beautiful children. All the while, you’re still doubting yourself, struggling to set up an online profile and feeling like a lost cause. Oh, and those people in that fantasy were both skinny.
But for those of us that carry extra weight, we might feel undeserving of love. And we’re certainly no strangers to fat shaming. And if you’ve tried dating and failed, you may have reached a point of obliterated self-esteem because you think the only way to find true love is to suffer through diet and exercise.
However, there is someone out there for all of us. And to find that special someone, we must first break through some of the limiting beliefs that are holding us back.
Those beliefs are:
Women won’t date overweight men.
Women care only about looks and money.
Firstly, let me point out that both these beliefs are entirely untrue, yet they hold back thousands of men when it comes to dating.
You may think your size disqualifies you from the dating pool, but it’s not true. Plenty of women will date men who carry extra weight. And yes, it’s also true that many women won’t date men that are overweight, but that doesn’t mean it’s true for all women. What we have to be careful of here of what’s called cognitive distortions. If you buy into your dating experiences as black and white, you’ll fall prey to thinking that just because one woman didn’t want to date you because of your size, all women don’t want to date you; and that’s simply not true.
You may also believe that women care only for looks and money. And if you believe that, you might even become resentful towards women. But studies show that personality has a greater effect on who women find attractive. Women who take dating seriously, are searching for a compatible life partner, someone with whom they can share experiences, or start a family with.
If you’re able to work through these beliefs, you’ll face a much higher chance of success when dating. Here are some other suggestions you can implement while you explore dating:
1. Be Honest About Your Weight. Don’t try and hide your weight or hide from the world. If you’re setting up an online profile, don’t get tempted to use outdated photos of when you looked different. Rather, focus on demonstrating who you are today and what makes you a great catch. This will paint you in an honest and favourable light.
2. Don’t Make Your Weight Your Defining Feature. Resists the temptation to make your weight the focus of conversations or excuse yourself for carrying extra weight. While you may be working on changing your body, it doesn’t mean you need to let everyone into your weight-loss journey, diet plan or fitness regime. Talk about other areas of your life, such as your hobbies, passions and favourite travel destinations and this will make you come across as more confident about who you are.
3. Continue To Be Proactive. The truth is rejection plagues all of us. Find ways to embrace body positivity and continue to put yourself out there. It only takes one person to change your situation in love. Start counting your wins versus tallying your losses.
4. Have Realistic Expectations. While some individuals will list being overweight as a dealbreaker, many women will focus on the quality of the connection, how you make them feel, and humour and intelligence as a higher priority than weight. Search for these women.
5. Be Stylish For Your Size. If you’ve gained weight, it’s no reason to stop taking care of your body or dressing well. Make sure you’re wearing clothes and styles that suit you and don’t make the common error of trying to hide your body by wearing oversized t-shirts or jerseys. If you need to update your wardrobe or invest in some new clothing, do that for yourself so you feel comfortable and stylish when you head out of the house.
Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men, and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcastwhere she talks candidly about life, dating and relationships. She supports men to find and keep healthy, loving relationships while overcoming guilt, shame and self-limited beliefs. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill for daily inspiration, or to learn more information and book a complimentary call, head over to her website here.
Dating can be one of the most frustrating and challenging aspects of your forties. If you haven’t dated in years, you’re walking into an entirely new world of online dating, catfishing, ghosting, and love bombing amongst other challenging aspects of the dating scene.
If you are struggling to find a special someone or you simply need some fresh perspective, here are seven reasons why you might find dating challenging and what you can do about it.
1. You haven’t taken the time to heal from your breakup or divorce. One reason why many of us struggle with dating is simply that we aren’t ready to be on the dating market again. It takes time to heal from a meaningful relationship and your healing process shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you haven’t officially separated from your partner, you’re still living together (even in separate rooms) or your divorce isn’t final, consider holding off on dating. During your split, focus on rebuilding your friendships and re-starting some of your old hobbies and passions to rediscover who you are before you invite someone new into your life.
2. You have lost your sense of identity. Many of us struggle to make sense of our emotions and identity when we become single. If you’ve been married before or recently gotten out of a long-term relationship you’ll need some time to rediscover your passion and purpose for life as a single person. Too often, recent divorcees hit the dating market to fill the gap from their previous partner and end up in toxic or unhealthy relationship cycles. We want to begin dating when we are clear on who we are and we’ve learned the important lessons from our previous relationship. Ask yourself, what are 2 things you’d like to start doing again and why?
3. You’re not clear on what you want from a relationship or partner. If you want to get into a new and healthy relationship, it’s essential to understand what you value in a partner and a relationship. If you’re dating and you haven’t thought about why these values are important to you or what kind of relationship you want, you’re not ready to be dating. Are you looking to be in a monogamous relationship? Do you want to get married again? How will you tackle the issues that weren’t dealt with in prior relationships?
4. You don’t know how to market yourself online. If you’re new to online dating, then you’re probably new to marketing yourself online. Many of us are making common errors on our dating profiles that hurt our chances of success. Old photos, negativity and ambiguity are all elements that will hurt your chances online, especially for men. Consider hiring a dating coach to help you with your profile, or hire a local photographer to get crisp, updated and profile-worthy photos. While we can’t please everyone online, it’s important to thoughtfully create a profile that attracts the right kind of matches. You’ll avoid a lot of frustration by curating a thoughtful profile.
5. You treat your dates like interviews. If you haven’t dated in a while, it’s easy to treat your dates like an interview and ruin your first date chemistry. While we all want to ask good questions and learn about our date, it’s more important to relax, enjoy yourself and see whether there is a natural connection. The first date is simply about assessing whether there was enough intrigue to go on a second date. It’s impossible to learn everything about someone on the first date. Choose date venues that allow you to feel comfortable and at ease so you can focus on genuine connection versus impressing your date. While a fancy dinner is a nice gesture, it’s also acceptable to take your date on a walk, grab a coffee, or take the edge off doing something fun like mini golf.
6. You are too anxious during the dating process. While many of us feel anxious going on dates, if you aren’t managing your emotions you might come across as needy, or overwhelming to your date in person or online. If you’re guilty of sending long-drawn-out texts or checking your notifications all day long, you’ll want to consider some healthy boundaries around dating. Make sure to understand your attachment style and learn ways to regulate your emotions throughout the dating process. Taking deep breaths and using helpful thought substitutions are good starting points to calm your nerves.
7. You’re simply stubborn. If your expectations are sky high and you’re not willing to look at your behaviours, chances are you’ll struggle in the dating scene. It’s important to give people some grace early on and focus on the right qualities of connection. If you’re dating with a laundry list of requirements and you’re not willing to compromise on anything, you’ll find dating will serve you obstacles and very little connection.
Need to know advice before you start dating this summer.
The biggest challenge my single male clients are facing is how to date successfully in today’s dating scene. In fact, many of my clients aren’t even clear on what dating truly is. Some are unaware they can date multiple women at once, and some are unaware of what the dating process should be like. Some of my clients rely too heavily on dating apps and others are afraid to use them all together. They share frustrations with me about how to progress to something more serious or how to know when a woman isn’t for them. So I’m going to break it down for you and help you understand important elements to make your dating process feel smoother, and healthier and give you a likelier chance of meeting your dream woman.
Here Is The Need To Knows Before You Start:
Know what you want in a partner and in your relationship. This is something I repeat every time I speak to someone wanting to date. Without knowing the type of partner you would be compatible with or what kind of relationship you’re looking to achieve, you’re dating without any purpose. I call it the spaghetti at the wall method. You throw something out there and see what sticks. But what sticks might not be what satisfies you. So before you date, before you sign up for a dating app, before your friends introduce you to their single friends, ask yourself what kind of qualities and characteristics you want from a partner. Ask yourself what you value in a relationship. Ask yourself whether you want marriage or kids, or whether you’re open to a blended family. Get very clear on what you want, and what you don’t want so you can date with integrity, purpose and clarity. I guarantee you this will save you time and heartache.
Know what dating is and get clear on how you want to date. As I mentioned earlier in the article, many of us don’t really understand how dating works or what purpose it serves. Dating is not something that should take over your life. It’s not something that should cause you grief and stress and overwhelm. Dating should blend in nicely with the rest of your life. So ask yourself how much time are you willing to commit to the dating process? Are you willing to date multiple people to find the person that’s right for you? Are you going to pay for all your first dates? Are you going to grab coffee or dinner? Get clear on what works for you so you don’t resent the process. Dating is about meeting individuals to assess whether or not they are the right person to create an intimate relationship with. It’s a form of courtship to determine if they are suitable as a romantic partner. So this process isn’t meant to be rushed. It may take you some time to truly find the person that’s right for you.
Use dating apps with balance and purpose. Dating apps are not a replacement for having a social life or connecting with people through your friends, work or community. Too many of us are relying on dating apps as the only source to meet our romantic connections. This is where many problems arise. Dating apps should be seen as an additional tool in your toolkit for making new connections. It should be used with integrity and positivity. Make sure you consider what boundaries you will place around the use of dating apps. Are you going to allow notifications to steal your attention throughout the working day, or switch them off? Are you going to be a paid member or a non-paid member? Are you balancing the people you meet online with people you meet through organic connections? Consider how you use apps and what problems may arise so you can get ahead of them.
Don’t use dating apps or swipe when you’re drunk, lonely or late at night. It’s a good reminder to tell you that dating apps are not a suitable replacement or healthy distraction when you’re bored or lonely. You’re not likely going to make healthy or good choices on who you match with when you’re coming from a scarcity mindset or a depressed mood. You also want to avoid swiping when you’re under the influence. Remember, dating apps are not a replacement for your social life and support network. Make sure to have a healthy support network around you while you’re dating so you don’t end up using dating apps to prop up your self-esteem.
Do understand that sometimes you’ll have to let dates down and that finding a way to do that is important for your self-esteem. Not every date is going to work out and not every connection will be right for you. Make sure to get comfortable letting people know that you do not want to continue pursuing a connection (if that’s true for you). This is so much more appropriate than ghosting people or leaving them in the dark. While that’s the easier option, it doesn’t make you or the other person feel good. You should never continue spending time with someone or texting someone because you feel guilty about hurting their feelings. It’s time to be mature and handle rejection and let down with grace.
Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill. For more information, go to www.kimberlyninahill.com.
Curious to learn more? Download a free copy of The Dating Handbook for Men.
Ready for more personalized support? Book a free consultation with Dating & Relationship Expert Kimberly here.
Valentine’s Day is approaching and you might be wondering what to do? If you’re not leaving the house much due to the pandemic or you’re simply looking for a creative and low-cost date idea, I’m going to share 4 unique ideas in this video that are sure to please the special lady in your life!
If you’re still standing, got a roof over your head and friends around you, you are one of the lucky ones! 2021 was no piece of cake, and if you were also trying to date on top of a changing societal and political landscape, social distancing and so forth, good on you. Now, let’s put that year behind us!
Reaching 2022 and being single means you have a wide-open canvas for creating a romantic life this year. And after a year of reflection, it’s time to kick-ass in the love department.
Here are a few tips to get you started:
Know exactly what kind of relationship you want to create. Before you date in 2022, make sure you have a clear idea of the type of relationship you want to have. If you’ve been married before, are you looking to find something more casual or are you searching for something serious? Do you see wedding bells in your future, or something different? Get crystal clear on the type of relationship you want to create before you begin your search. You’ll save yourself from distraction and disappointment.
Be open to new people and experiences. Even though you’re clear on the relationship you want to have, make sure you’re not being closed-minded as to who might fill that role. Stubbornness or pickiness won’t get you very far. Locking yourself into a “type” can do more harm than good and gets you focusing on the wrong qualities. While you might prefer petite women with brown hair, a tall blonde might be the woman that surprises you. Remember, it’s about connecting with someone that shares similar values to you and also shares a similar vision for the relationship.
Mr. Nice Guy is Out and Mr. Assertive Is In – Way In! Nice guys don’t get very far with dating. And it’s not because there is anything wrong with being a nice or kind individual, it’s because men that lack strong values or boundaries get taken advantage of. These kinds of men are left wondering what they did wrong when they tried to do everything right! It’s all part of the problem. Having strong boundaries and respect for yourself is attractive. Knowing what you want and going after it, now that’s sexy. Assertive is in. Mr. Nice Guy is out.
Get Back to the Basics. It’s 2022, and everything feels so complicated with dating. How often do I text? What do I say? How many dates should we go on? How many apps should I use? You can easily get overwhelmed with information and start doubting yourself. Keep things simple. Don’t worry about doing everything perfectly. If you want a rule of thumb, message your date a few times a week maximum, go on a date once a week, and be courteous and forthright. The more complicated you make it, the more complicated it will become.
Don’t Forget Those Old-Fashioned Introductions. Dating apps are constantly changing and evolving. Remember, apps are designed to return money to investors first, and if you happen to find love while paying for your subscription, then hooray! You’re one of the lucky ones! So this year, brush up on the old-fashioned way of dating – meeting someone in person. Dating apps are no excuse to hide inside and avoid new hobbies, sports or getting out of the house. This year, set some intentions to speak to more attractive women in public, make sure to ask your friends to make introductions and get vocal about your search!
