7 Reasons Why You Struggle with Dating in Your 40’s

by Kimberly Hill | Sep 29, 2022 | Blogs, Dating

Dating can be one of the most frustrating and challenging aspects of your forties. If you haven’t dated in years, you’re walking into an entirely new world of online dating, catfishing, ghosting, and love bombing amongst other challenging aspects of the dating scene.

If you are struggling to find a special someone or you simply need some fresh perspective, here are seven reasons why you might find dating challenging and what you can do about it.

1. You haven’t taken the time to heal from your breakup or divorce. One reason why many of us struggle with dating is simply that we aren’t ready to be on the dating market again. It takes time to heal from a meaningful relationship and your healing process shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you haven’t officially separated from your partner, you’re still living together (even in separate rooms) or your divorce isn’t final, consider holding off on dating. During your split, focus on rebuilding your friendships and re-starting some of your old hobbies and passions to rediscover who you are before you invite someone new into your life.

2. You have lost your sense of identity. Many of us struggle to make sense of our emotions and identity when we become single. If you’ve been married before or recently gotten out of a long-term relationship you’ll need some time to rediscover your passion and purpose for life as a single person. Too often, recent divorcees hit the dating market to fill the gap from their previous partner and end up in toxic or unhealthy relationship cycles. We want to begin dating when we are clear on who we are and we’ve learned the important lessons from our previous relationship. Ask yourself, what are 2 things you’d like to start doing again and why?

3. You’re not clear on what you want from a relationship or partner. If you want to get into a new and healthy relationship, it’s essential to understand what you value in a partner and a relationship. If you’re dating and you haven’t thought about why these values are important to you or what kind of relationship you want, you’re not ready to be dating. Are you looking to be in a monogamous relationship? Do you want to get married again? How will you tackle the issues that weren’t dealt with in prior relationships?

4. You don’t know how to market yourself online. If you’re new to online dating, then you’re probably new to marketing yourself online. Many of us are making common errors on our dating profiles that hurt our chances of success. Old photos, negativity and ambiguity are all elements that will hurt your chances online, especially for men. Consider hiring a dating coach to help you with your profile, or hire a local photographer to get crisp, updated and profile-worthy photos. While we can’t please everyone online, it’s important to thoughtfully create a profile that attracts the right kind of matches. You’ll avoid a lot of frustration by curating a thoughtful profile.

5. You treat your dates like interviews. If you haven’t dated in a while, it’s easy to treat your dates like an interview and ruin your first date chemistry. While we all want to ask good questions and learn about our date, it’s more important to relax, enjoy yourself and see whether there is a natural connection. The first date is simply about assessing whether there was enough intrigue to go on a second date. It’s impossible to learn everything about someone on the first date. Choose date venues that allow you to feel comfortable and at ease so you can focus on genuine connection versus impressing your date. While a fancy dinner is a nice gesture, it’s also acceptable to take your date on a walk, grab a coffee, or take the edge off doing something fun like mini golf.

6. You are too anxious during the dating process. While many of us feel anxious going on dates, if you aren’t managing your emotions you might come across as needy, or overwhelming to your date in person or online. If you’re guilty of sending long-drawn-out texts or checking your notifications all day long, you’ll want to consider some healthy boundaries around dating. Make sure to understand your attachment style and learn ways to regulate your emotions throughout the dating process. Taking deep breaths and using helpful thought substitutions are good starting points to calm your nerves.

7. You’re simply stubborn. If your expectations are sky high and you’re not willing to look at your behaviours, chances are you’ll struggle in the dating scene. It’s important to give people some grace early on and focus on the right qualities of connection. If you’re dating with a laundry list of requirements and you’re not willing to compromise on anything, you’ll find dating will serve you obstacles and very little connection.

Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast. You can follow her on Instagram at @kimberlyninahill. For more information or to book a complimentary call, click here.

How to Date Successfully (A Guide for Single Men of All Ages)

by Kimberly Hill | Jun 22, 2022 | Blogs, Dating

Need to know advice before you start dating this summer.

The biggest challenge my single male clients are facing is how to date successfully in today’s dating scene. In fact, many of my clients aren’t even clear on what dating truly is. Some are unaware they can date multiple women at once, and some are unaware of what the dating process should be like. Some of my clients rely too heavily on dating apps and others are afraid to use them all together. They share frustrations with me about how to progress to something more serious or how to know when a woman isn’t for them. So I’m going to break it down for you and help you understand important elements to make your dating process feel smoother, and healthier and give you a likelier chance of meeting your dream woman.

Here Is The Need To Knows Before You Start:

1. Know what you want in a partner and in your relationship. This is something I repeat every time I speak to someone wanting to date. Without knowing the type of partner you would be compatible with or what kind of relationship you’re looking to achieve, you’re dating without any purpose. I call it the spaghetti at the wall method. You throw something out there and see what sticks. But what sticks might not be what satisfies you. So before you date, before you sign up for a dating app, before your friends introduce you to their single friends, ask yourself what kind of qualities and characteristics you want from a partner. Ask yourself what you value in a relationship. Ask yourself whether you want marriage or kids, or whether you’re open to a blended family. Get very clear on what you want, and what you don’t want so you can date with integrity, purpose and clarity. I guarantee you this will save you time and heartache.
2. Know what dating is and get clear on how you want to date. As I mentioned earlier in the article, many of us don’t really understand how dating works or what purpose it serves. Dating is not something that should take over your life. It’s not something that should cause you grief and stress and overwhelm. Dating should blend in nicely with the rest of your life. So ask yourself how much time are you willing to commit to the dating process? Are you willing to date multiple people to find the person that’s right for you? Are you going to pay for all your first dates? Are you going to grab coffee or dinner? Get clear on what works for you so you don’t resent the process. Dating is about meeting individuals to assess whether or not they are the right person to create an intimate relationship with. It’s a form of courtship to determine if they are suitable as a romantic partner. So this process isn’t meant to be rushed. It may take you some time to truly find the person that’s right for you.
3. Use dating apps with balance and purpose. Dating apps are not a replacement for having a social life or connecting with people through your friends, work or community. Too many of us are relying on dating apps as the only source to meet our romantic connections. This is where many problems arise. Dating apps should be seen as an additional tool in your toolkit for making new connections. It should be used with integrity and positivity. Make sure you consider what boundaries you will place around the use of dating apps. Are you going to allow notifications to steal your attention throughout the working day, or switch them off? Are you going to be a paid member or a non-paid member? Are you balancing the people you meet online with people you meet through organic connections? Consider how you use apps and what problems may arise so you can get ahead of them.
4. Don’t use dating apps or swipe when you’re drunk, lonely or late at night. It’s a good reminder to tell you that dating apps are not a suitable replacement or healthy distraction when you’re bored or lonely. You’re not likely going to make healthy or good choices on who you match with when you’re coming from a scarcity mindset or a depressed mood. You also want to avoid swiping when you’re under the influence. Remember, dating apps are not a replacement for your social life and support network. Make sure to have a healthy support network around you while you’re dating so you don’t end up using dating apps to prop up your self-esteem.
5. Do understand that sometimes you’ll have to let dates down and that finding a way to do that is important for your self-esteem. Not every date is going to work out and not every connection will be right for you. Make sure to get comfortable letting people know that you do not want to continue pursuing a connection (if that’s true for you). This is so much more appropriate than ghosting people or leaving them in the dark. While that’s the easier option, it doesn’t make you or the other person feel good. You should never continue spending time with someone or texting someone because you feel guilty about hurting their feelings. It’s time to be mature and handle rejection and let down with grace.

Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill. For more information, go to www.kimberlyninahill.com.

Curious to learn more? Download a free copy of The Dating Handbook for Men.

Ready for more personalized support? Book a free consultation with Dating & Relationship Expert Kimberly here.